Helping Your Children Through One of Life's Most Difficult Transitions
Separation and divorce are among the most disruptive events a child can experience. At Lifeward Family Therapy, we support Perth parents in understanding how children at different developmental stages experience parental separation, and what they can do to protect their children's emotional wellbeing through this transition. With the right support in place, children can and do adapt well, even through the most challenging family changes.
The research is clear on one thing: it is not divorce itself that causes lasting harm to children. What matters most is how the separation is managed, how much ongoing conflict children are exposed to, and whether they have at least one consistently warm, stable parent figure. This guide draws on current research and clinical experience to offer Perth parents a practical and compassionate framework for supporting their children.
Whether you are in the early stages of separation or several years down the track and concerned about your child's ongoing adjustment, co-parenting support and family therapy at Lifeward can help.
How Children Experience Divorce
Children do not experience divorce as adults do. They are not equipped with the cognitive and emotional tools to process what is happening to their family structure, and they often fill the gaps in their understanding with fear, guilt, and magical thinking. A child who has not been given an age-appropriate explanation may conclude that they caused the separation, or believe that if they behave better, their parents might get back together.
Children's responses to parental separation depend significantly on their temperament, the level of conflict they have been exposed to, the quality of their relationships with each parent, and the presence of other supportive adults (grandparents, teachers, family friends) in their lives. No two children respond identically, even within the same family.
Common emotional responses across all ages include grief, anger, sadness, anxiety, confusion and, often, a heightened need for reassurance. Some children display these emotions openly. Others internalise them, maintaining a composed surface while carrying significant distress beneath. Parents who look for visible signs of distress may miss children who are quietly struggling.
What Children Need Most
Research consistently identifies several core needs that protect children during and after parental separation. When these are met, children's long-term outcomes improve significantly, regardless of the complexity of the separation itself.
- Stability and routine: Predictable daily routines at both households provide children with a sense of safety when their world feels uncertain. Consistent bedtimes, meal times, school routines and rules reduce anxiety and help children regulate emotionally.
- Permission to love both parents: Children should never feel that loving one parent is a betrayal of the other. Loyalty conflicts are deeply damaging and arise when children are placed in the middle of parental conflict, asked to carry messages, or exposed to negative commentary about the other parent.
- Age-appropriate honesty: Children need honest, simple explanations that give them enough information to make sense of what is happening without overwhelming them with adult concerns. "Mum and Dad have decided to live in separate homes" is appropriate. Detailed explanations of infidelity or financial disputes are not.
- Emotional permission: Children need to know that all their feelings — sadness, anger, confusion, relief, guilt — are normal and acceptable. Parents who visibly struggle with their own emotions may inadvertently signal to children that their feelings must be hidden to protect the adult.
- Access to support: Whether through a trusted teacher, a counsellor, or a family therapist, children benefit from having someone outside the immediate family system to talk to.
Concerned about your child's wellbeing during separation?
Lifeward provides specialist support for children, young people, and co-parents navigating separation and divorce across the Perth southern suburbs.
Call 08 9500 2609Age-by-Age Guide: How Children Respond at Different Stages
Understanding your child's developmental stage helps you tailor the support you provide. The following outlines typical responses and what helps at each stage.
Toddlers and Preschoolers (Ages 0 to 5)
Very young children do not understand separation conceptually but are acutely sensitive to changes in routine, parental distress, and the absence of a familiar caregiver. Common responses include clinginess, regression (returning to earlier behaviours like bedwetting or thumb-sucking), sleep disruption, and increased tantrums. What helps most is maintaining predictable routines, providing lots of physical affection and reassurance, and ensuring transitions between households are as calm and consistent as possible.
Primary School Age (Ages 6 to 12)
School-age children have enough cognitive development to understand that the separation is real and permanent, but may still engage in magical thinking about reconciliation. They often experience profound sadness and grief, and may show changes in school performance, social withdrawal, or increased irritability at home. Children this age are also particularly vulnerable to loyalty conflicts. They often feel the need to take sides or protect one parent. Clear, consistent boundaries around adult conflict are essential. Individual therapy through child behaviour therapy can be enormously helpful.
Teenagers (Ages 13 to 18)
Adolescents often have a more sophisticated understanding of what separation means, but this does not make it easier. Teenagers may respond with anger directed at one or both parents, disengagement, risk-taking behaviour, or a premature assumption of adult responsibilities within the family. They may try to renegotiate living arrangements or align strongly with one parent. Teen therapy provides adolescents with a private space to process their experience without feeling responsible for their parents' emotions.
Common Warning Signs a Child May Need Professional Support
While most children experience a period of adjustment during and after separation, some develop more persistent difficulties that warrant professional attention. The following signs, particularly when they persist for more than four to six weeks or significantly impact daily functioning, suggest a child may benefit from therapeutic support.
- Persistent sadness or tearfulness
- Significant changes in school performance
- Social withdrawal or loss of friendships
- Refusal to attend school
- Sleep disturbances or nightmares
- Ongoing physical complaints (headaches, stomach aches) without medical cause
- Aggressive or defiant behaviour
- Regression to younger behaviours
- Expressed hopelessness or statements about not wanting to be here
- Loss of interest in activities previously enjoyed
If your child displays any of the more serious warning signs, particularly expressions of hopelessness or self-harm, please seek professional support promptly. You can contact Lifeward on 08 9500 2609 or speak with your child's GP as a first step.
What to Say — and What to Avoid
The way parents communicate about separation has a lasting impact on children. The following guidance is grounded in both research evidence and clinical experience.
Language That Helps
- "This is not your fault." Say this clearly and repeatedly. Children need to hear it from both parents, not just once.
- "Both of us love you very much and that will never change." Reassurance of consistent love from both parents is fundamental.
- "You will still see [other parent] regularly." Concrete information about the future reduces anxiety.
- "It is okay to feel sad, or angry, or confused. We are here to help you with those feelings." Normalise the emotional experience without minimising it.
What to Avoid
- Negative commentary about the other parent in front of children, even in subtle or indirect forms
- Using children as messengers or asking them to report on the other household
- Oversharing adult details about finances, legal proceedings, or the reasons for the separation
- Placing children in the role of emotional support for a parent
- Making children feel guilty for enjoying time with the other parent
- Asking children directly which parent they prefer to live with
If maintaining these boundaries is proving difficult, particularly in high-conflict separations, co-parenting support with a therapist can help both parents develop strategies to protect their children from adult conflict.
How Lifeward Can Help
Lifeward Family Therapy in Rockingham provides a range of services specifically designed to support Perth families navigating separation and divorce. Natasha Pekic (AMHSW) works with children, adolescents, parents, and families as a whole system, tailoring the therapeutic approach to the specific needs and circumstances of each family.
Services for Separating Families
- Child and adolescent therapy: Individual sessions for children experiencing anxiety, grief, or behavioural change following separation. Natasha works with children from approximately age six upwards, and with adolescents through dedicated teen therapy.
- Co-parenting support: Joint or individual sessions for separated parents to develop co-parenting frameworks that protect children from conflict and ensure consistent, child-focused parenting across two households.
- Family therapy: Sessions that include children and one or both parents, designed to improve communication, rebuild safety, and navigate the transition together.
- Individual support for parents: Separation is often as difficult for parents as it is for children. Individual sessions support parents in managing their own emotional experience so they are better available for their children.
You do not need a referral to contact Lifeward. Simply call 08 9500 2609 or book online to discuss your family's needs. Medicare rebates may apply with a GP referral for individual sessions.
Your family does not have to navigate separation alone.
Lifeward Family Therapy in Rockingham provides compassionate, specialist support for children and parents through separation and divorce. Telehealth available.
Call 08 9500 2609 Book OnlineFrequently Asked Questions
It is appropriate to consider involving a therapist whenever your child shows signs of significant emotional distress, behavioural change, or when their daily functioning is being impacted. You do not need to wait for a crisis. Early support is generally more effective than waiting until difficulties have become entrenched. If you are unsure, a brief conversation with your GP or a contact call to Lifeward can help you determine whether formal therapeutic support is warranted at this stage.
This depends significantly on the child's age, maturity, and the nature of the arrangements being considered. Older adolescents often have well-formed views about living arrangements and those views should carry weight. Younger children may express preferences based on which household has fewer rules or more treats, rather than their deeper wellbeing needs. In general, children should not be placed in a position where they feel responsible for making decisions that are properly adult decisions. Formal custody matters are determined by the Family Court in Australia with the best interests of the child as the primary consideration.
Ideally, both parents should have this conversation together, presenting a united and calm front. Choose a quiet time with no major events planned immediately afterwards (not before school or a holiday). Keep the explanation simple and age-appropriate. Emphasise that both parents love the child, that the child is not responsible, and that specific practical arrangements will remain stable. Be prepared for a range of emotional responses and allow space for those. If the conversation feels impossible to have together without conflict, a family therapist can facilitate this first discussion in a safe, supported environment.
In most cases, either parent can seek therapeutic support for their child independently. While it is generally preferable to have both parents on board — particularly for family therapy or co-parenting work — a child's individual therapy does not require the other parent's participation. If the other parent is resistant, it can help to frame therapy as a neutral, supportive resource rather than an intervention into the other household. A letter from your child's GP or paediatrician recommending therapy can also lend weight to the decision if it is being questioned.
Yes. Natasha works with children and adolescents individually, as well as with families together. Individual sessions for children provide a private, safe space that is entirely focused on the child's experience, without the complexity of managing parental dynamics in the room. The therapeutic approach is adapted to the child's age and developmental stage. For younger children, therapeutic techniques may incorporate play, drawing or storytelling rather than pure talk-based therapy. Please call 08 9500 2609 to discuss whether individual child sessions are appropriate for your family's situation.